Parenting: on bragging rights and wrongs

Three Thursdays ago, son found it difficult to sleep. I woke up in the early hours of the morning and he was still sitting up. I persuaded him to lie down and try to sleep.

A few hours later, he was up again, 'seeing stars', as he logged onto his school account to check his I/GCSE results.

"Hmm! Well, alright then," and he soon went back to bed.

He didn't just do well. He has done extremely well.

There was only one tiny blot on that horizon and we are going to query how a candidate who scored 90+% and 100% in three papers could only manage a 73% in a fourth paper for the same subject. (Every other paper in the other subjects were 90+ or 100%, bar one at 88%.) The result meant he missed an A-star by just five marks in a subject for which he was predicted an A-star after his mocks.

It took some persuading for him to come round to our way of thinking. He was happy enough with his overall results and so were we. But if he had put in A-star effort and was then subsequently deprived of the correct grade, should we not at least query that?

(This is only the second time we had to query an exam result. The previous time was when his marks did not add up. It turned out that a Maths teacher (!) had fed the wrong formula into his Excel spreadsheet and everyone in the class lost a few percentage points. A very apologetic letter came from the headmaster, no less. After that, the teacher decided that he did not like me very much.)

We were so chuffed about these public exam results that it was a good few days after that that I found myself thinking: this is official proof, vindication at last!, that I had done the right thing in giving up my career for this young man.

Recalling those years when every day was 'the WORST day of my life' and he was in tears even as we walked home from school, the steps we took to keep him on an even keel, the pleas with his piano teacher* not to push him so hard, etc. The boy, well, young man now, has done well. "Boy done good!"

*The piano teacher bit is really strange. Contrary to what most people think, we are not tiger parents. So we cannot understand why the piano teacher was pushing our son to pass grade after grade of exam. Son was literally learning three exam pieces and sitting exams every few months. I kept going to the teacher to say, "Hey! Let him play anything other than exam pieces. Learn some jazz, for example." The teacher would let him play some jazz for a few weeks and then it was back to exam pieces.

I was the odd parent telling him that my son was moving up the grades too quickly. In hindsight I think the teacher just wanted to showcase him, so that he could brag about getting a 12-year-old to pass the Grade Seven ABRSM exam.

Then three months before his Grade Seven exam, the teacher walked out on us. Just like that!

I scrambled about to find him a teacher because he had learned exam pieces that were going to be out-of-date if he did not sit the next exam. The new teacher then asked, "How did he manage to get to Grade Six on 20 minutes of lesson every week during term time?"

What this teacher did not know was son was not even practising at home! The only piano he played was at these lessons! He passed his Grade Seven just before or after turning 13, I don't remember, but there was no joy. There was no celebration.

Because he was quite ahead of his peers at music, we were expected to enter him for a music scholarship at his current school. We did not. Son was bent on getting an academic scholarship to this school and we could not have stopped him if we tried. We supported him.

It was clear to us that he did not have a passion for music despite being technically good at it. When playing his clarinet for his academic scholarship (to demonstrate other interests) the head of music (himself a clarinettist) asked whether he had considered a music scholarship. Had we pushed him into trying for one, he would have gone completely mental.

Thankfully the new piano teacher at his new school could also see how, much to my relief, he needed to be challenged into playing a wider range of music and not just pass exams. So, he might well be sitting his Grade Eight finally, at age 16. Even if he does not, so what?

The lesson for me as a parent today: we need to know when to push and when to refrain from pushing. Just like childbirth, isn't it? :)

Or as the Preacher said in Ecclesiastes: there's a time and place for everything under heaven.

(Tonight, husband returned from the office to say his colleague also queried his son's A level grades. A paper marked 'E' has been revised to 'B' (!!). They are now challenging another paper of the same subject so that the overall grade would be good enough for him to get to his first-choice university.)

Update: 1/11/16 Son missed his star grade by 0.75% after a re-mark. Ah well, we did try. Could have appealed. But as he was not continuing with this subject, we let it go.

When I'm sixty-four, and more

This Straits Times Forum letter 21st August refers.

Any 51-year-old should really think about how well he wishes to age.

So should Singapore, as it turns 51 this year.

The problem is that young people who think their bodies are infallible are often the policymakers. When they realise something more must be done, it may often be too late ("When I'm 64...what kind of Singapore can I grow old in?"; Aug 7).

I have had a head start, having studied ageing since 1984. My conclusions are:

• We need holistic thinking.
• Housing Board flats, transport, town planning and so on need to be redesigned to help seniors "age in place".
• Employers need to plan for an ageing work force and/or one that has to care for our elders.
• Young people need a career progression/training structure so that we have the best to look after our elders.
• We must invest in technology, including robotics, to help the elderly age with dignity.
• It may be that we will need to sell our homes to pay for care.
• We need to discuss dying and "end-of-life" options with our loved ones while we are still lucid enough to do so.

The Lien Foundation proposal for home-like settings for our elders sounds very much like the Green House Project in the United States pioneered by Dr Bill Thomas. It may sound expensive to develop and sustain, but these homes have reduced hospital admissions and bed-blocking (thereby saving money), enhanced the quality of care (happier residents, more assured family members) and raised the self-esteem of carers (happier employees, lower staff turnover).

I recently found myself with a medical problem that left me in such debilitating pain that I could not even sign my name or raise my hand to my mouth. My husband had to cut up food for me. This was a reminder. My soul does not inhabit an infallible body, despite going to the gym twice a week.

The sooner we recognise this, the sooner we will find the impetus to do something.

This reply from the relevant ministry 28th August:

We thank Dr Chey Chor Khoon ("VWOs have a role in eldercare") and Dr Lee Siew Peng ("Get moving on helping people age well"; both published last Sunday) for their views on ageing well in Singapore, and we agree that we need to take a holistic view on this issue.

The Ministerial Committee on Ageing has launched a $3 billion Action Plan for Successful Ageing that covers more than 70 initiatives across 12 areas - spanning from employment and learning to transport and housing - as a coordinated whole-of-society approach to prepare for a rapidly ageing Singapore.

With initiatives at the individual, community and city levels, the action plan has clear programmes and specific targets to help the elderly lead healthy and active lives.

Under the action plan, we are promoting community befriending programmes, as mentioned by Dr Chey.

More information can be found on www.successful-ageing.sg

At the same time, we have continued to improve and evolve aged care services.

For instance, we are co-locating and integrating residential, day care and home care services, so as to serve our seniors holistically.

In particular, we are focusing on enhancing home and day care, as well as building Active Ageing Hubs in new HDB developments, to enable seniors to age with dignity in their own homes.

We are forming partnerships with agencies and voluntary welfare organisations to promote active ageing and enhance aged care in many communities.

We encourage more Singaporeans to partner us to make Singapore a nation for all ages.

Lim Bee Khim (Ms)
Director
Corporate Communications
Ministry of Health